things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
