I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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