I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
