hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
