totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
