I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
