drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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