I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
