filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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