woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
