the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize