no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize