No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
