You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
