birth control should be required to get into college
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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