Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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