Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
