im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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