It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
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i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
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Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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