do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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