Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
