dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
