why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
