"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
