We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
