some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
my nose is crying tears of wow.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
