my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Two words: nipple clamps
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