I wish I could teleport
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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