Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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