Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
