And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
there is glitter all over my balls
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
