don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
