Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
