the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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