Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
