gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Are we still banned from the library?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
