I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
