I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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