She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
