I want to make a zoo with you.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
