the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think i got beer on your cat.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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