the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
