you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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