I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
