I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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