she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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