i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
