I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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