you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
