I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
