i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
