he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I am spending my child support on dildos
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
