I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
