I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there