just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
