The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
