i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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