You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
